Come Together...Right Now

Saturday morning I found myself sitting in a classroom along with ten other New Mexicans.  Less than 24 hours after the shooting in Connecticut, I was taking the first step in acquiring my Concealed Handgun License.  Yep, talk about ironic.  

In this attempt to focus my efforts away from my own self, I’m gonna just focus for a bit on what all of y’all have said in light of the tragedy in Connecticut last Friday.  Many of you are incredibly hurt, some are angry, and those of you with kiddos of your own have hugged them a little tighter this week.  No matter how you feel about it all, I hope you know this is something that has affected all of us.  Coming together in our grief/anger/frustration may be hard, but it is truly our only option.  Rather than allowing this act of pure evil to divide us, let’s put aside our own selfish, stubborn desires and figure out how we’re going to pick ourselves up and make some sound decisions.

Let me just map out a timeline for you.  Moments after the news broke, Facebook statuses were full of, “Prayers and thoughts being sent to CT,” or “Cannot believe the evil in the world…thoughts to all the families.”  Just hours after the news broke, the political rants and angry slurs filled my newsfeed.  I switched off my iPad, shut my computer, and spent time with my sister, so glad to have her in my life and to be safe at home for a while.  

Friends, we are so incredibly quick to make our thoughts and opinions known.  It’s so easy to publish a tweet, status, blog…you name it. Don’t worry, I am certainly guilty as well.  I don’t know the answers to the problems we now face as a nation.  I do know that after taking my CHL class on Saturday and reading various reactions through media, lack of common sense is a huge problem on both sides of the fence.  The immediate reaction of, “My side is all-right and your side is all-wrong” sickens me.  Another problem we have as a proud nation is admitting we are wrong.  Yeah, sometimes it sucks to have to admit we made the wrong call or misjudged something, but it is an essential action we must take in order to move forward. 

Simply in light of the struggles the families and parents of those kiddos are facing, it makes me sick to see our immediate action: Fiercely arguing with each other.  Make no reservations; something absolutely needs to happen.  However, when either side enters into the, “Yeah right, like the other side is going to cooperate” attitude, we end up in a standstill and the bad guys get their media exposure.  No one wins.  

Like I said, I don’t know the answers.  But let’s be honest, you probably don’t either.  What I do know is that this nation is incredibly diverse and I don’t want to do anything to change that.  We’re setting terrible examples for our children by first resorting to bitter arguing and fighting with each other.  Let’s grow up a little bit.  America has many faults that act as weaknesses, but I ask each of you to ensure that we, the citizens, are this nation’s greatest strength.     

I Don't Mean to Pry...

So I've been told college is about "finding yourself."  I never understood that phrase because I never thought I was lost to begin with.  Well y'all, apparently I've been hiding.  Put on your boots because it's about to get deep.

If you know me, it probably doesn't come as a surprise that, "I can do it," was the first phrase I ever uttered.  I've always been independent and damn proud of it.  Therein lies the trouble: pride.  Sure, I'm independent and strong-spirited, which helps me reach a lot of the goals I set for myself.  But as my incredibly wise mother told me today, pride is something the Enemy has grabbed hold of and sworn to use against me.

I don't ask for help.  I can do it!

I won't ask you to help me talk it out. I can do it!

But the truth is, I can't do it.  Not alone.  The fact that I just admitted that kinda scares me.  To think I'm not capable of doing things on my own suggests vulnerability.  Woah.  Wait up.  I'm not vulnerable. Uh uh.  

Mom and I laughed today about how different Maggie and I are.  She has this big, huge, incredibly loving heart that she wears it on her sleeve for anyone and everyone to trample on.  Time and time again, she's been hurt, yet she continues to put herself out there to love and to be loved.  It's absolutely amazing how resilient she is.

You're lucky if you can get a serious conversation out of me.  In my opinion, no one needs to know and no one probably cares.  End of story.  Emotions?  What're those things? It's poisonous.  I tend to be so internal that I get wrapped up in what I'm doing and what kind of control I have over my own life.  Outwardly, that makes me incredibly inconsiderate and self-indulgent.  Oh hey there, Satan.  Looks like you've been trying to make your way into my life.  

Even if my time is spent doing great things and trying to better myself, when that takes up so much energy that it deters my attention away from those so close to me, we've got a problem.  It's funny because this theme is so well reflected in my blogs.  All my posts are about what I'M feeling...what I'M dealing with...how that bigger-than-me situation affects MY life.  Ain't nobody got time for that!

So...here's goes the honesty.

Being so internal is exhausting and it leaves me with nothing but this incredibly lonely feeling.  Mom put it so well, "Jennie you've got so much to offer, but you've got to learn how to let people in as friends before you can ever expect anything else from anyone."

Seriously.  It seems so stupid and so girly to spill my guts to someone else, but I guess we need that every now and then.  I'm just going to apologize ahead of time to any of The Family who gets to be the receiving end of this new project.  It's gonna be like watching a baby deer learn how to walk, but we're gonna do it.  Here we go.

Leveled

So we all know I'm a passionate person, but not necessarily one for politics.  Let me just share something that perturbs me. 

I decided to get on politifact.com today, just to check out what the site says are true and false statements from various political sources.  Now I understand we can't trust every story that comes out of a so-called "unbiased news source."  Therefore, I looked for websites that expose any bias Politifact might put forth.  I found http://politifactbias.blogspot.com after a very, very short search.  So here's what I have: two websites, analyzing statements by politicians and organizations seeking to separate the truths, lies and misconceptions set forth by our nation's leaders. 

Here's what really sets me off: the need for organizations like these. 

Don't get me wrong.  I get being competitive and wanting to win.  I have that attitude too, don't worry.  However, this is not a game these guys can play to win over the country.  Want to know why turnout at the polls is abysmal?  How in the heck are we supposed to know who to support if we aren't 100% sure what they believe?  Trust builds relationships.  

Washington, this is what I want from you: 

Honesty. Tell me what your congressmen, justices and presidents have supported and opposed.  I don't need to know their personal lives, I just need to know how their actions surrounding their roles as national leaders align with my own beliefs.    

Common Sense.  Stop pretending one man can make logical decisions to resolve each of this country's struggles.  Let your advisers and your successful, honest experts analyze and give you advice.  Promise you, there's always going to be someone who's better than you at something.  Let them work, then let him listen to those experts and make a decision. 

Conviction.  Yes, you and I have different opinions and that's okay.  That's why I feel so strongly for this country and the ideals it stands upon.  Allow me to exercise my rights and please, stand your ground on your own.  Yeah, that means a little give and take from both of us.  I'm okay with that...can you get on board?

I'm not asking for a certain agenda.  I don't want you to lean my way.  I want your truth, and I don't think I'm asking too much of you to get it.  You may say to me, "You think you can do a job better, why don't you run for an office?"  Personally, I would love to.  No I wouldn't fit in the D.C. scene as it is.  Maybe that's what we need.    

That same challenge, however, is one to be made to each American.  The citizens are the backbone of the country, so instead of being offended and asking us to do your job, shut up and listen.  Listen to your citizens and make decisions that reflect both your personal convictions and what's best for your people.  Don't forget about your "juniors," they probably know a thing or two.  Yes, that's a tough thing to do but just remember: you volunteered for this.    

Weight

"Every human being strongly desires...and longs for unfailing love. Lavish love.  Focused love.  Love we can count on.  The taxicab driver, plumber, stockbroker, runway model, actress, streetwalker, drug pusher, school teacher, computer programmer, rocket scientist, doctor, lawyer, president and custodian all year for the same thing--unfailing love."

That's definitely what I feel like I'm needing right now. I woke up with a heaviness on my heart Saturday morning that I just can't explain.  I feel like the little Peanuts kid who just walks around with a dust cloud around him!  While I know we've all got that "God-shaped hole" we try to fill with so many things other than God, sometimes I like to tell myself somehow God isn't enough.

But God's love is more than enough.  No other love on this earth can possibly compare to his unfailing love for us: it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things (1 Corinthians 13: 7).  That's the kind of love that just binds me up, taking all my mistakes and shortcomings with it.

Tonight I'm at a loss for words. Surprised? You should be.  This heaviness on my heart is more than I can explain but I can certainly feel it!  I don't know if it's my heaviness or my lazy weekend self, but it's hard to breathe!  Since I don't have much to share, I'll share a prayer with y'all tonight because this is something I do believe wholeheartedly:  in one way or another, my prayers will be answered.  I have faith in His plan for me and I can only pray to have that same vision for myself.  I'm just laying everything out on the table because 1: it helps to write out how I feel and 2: maybe it'll help you grow closer in your conversations with God.  

Father God,
     Sometimes I don't understand what you make me feel.  For the most part I'm always the strong one, always the solid one, but you're trying to reveal something to me and I'm not sure what it is yet.  But Lord, I will continue to to seek You and love being in a relationship with You.  You know what I want, but Lord I just ask that You hold me close by your side so I may walk in the direction You have for me because that direction is so much better than any way I could ever imagine for myself.
    I feel like I'm surrounded by a whole lot of fresh, exciting love while at the same time I'm surrounded by looming brokenness and pain.  You are enough for me but I don't want to be comfortable.  Lord change me and challenge me.  It's so easy to get into a groove while You are calling me to do radical, wonderful things!  Lord of course I long for an earthly love you have ordained but more than anything I long for an unbreakable, intimate relationship with You.  I can't imagine the love You have for all of us but I pray I will be able to show the world how that love feels.  Lord I am so selfish.  Change my heart so I may feel for others and treat them in a way that might bring You joy.
    God, you are too, too good to me and I am so grateful to be Your beloved.  Amen.  

Hold Your Head High

            So some words have been on my mind today: Honesty and sincerity.  Particularly, I’ve thought about these words and how they pertain to my relationship with God as well as with others.  Even if you don’t believe the same things I do, this applies to you, I promise. 

            There are a few Greek words I’d like to surface and define for you so just stick with me while I get through the dry stuff.  “Sincere” in Greek is “eilikrinēs,” which Strong’s defines as “pure, wholesome.”  Honest and honesty have different references, “kalos” and “semnotēs,” respectively.  Kalos means “good, right; beautiful, fine, excellent” and semnotēs is defined as “holiness, seriousness, respect.”  I am always amazed at the gravity with which Greek and Hebrew words carry.  So much so that it takes multiple emotional English words to define them!

            Let’s go back to how these Greek definitions actually apply to us.  Fairly often, I think I come across as being peachy, having all my ducks in a row.  I have to let you know where I am so you understand why these words have an impact on me.  I think I’ve spent a whole lot of time trying to act and become an ideal.  I’ve battled physical insecurities for a long time and it’s taken my stubborn self years to allow God to take control.  I’ve covered up those insecurities by reducing myself to a bean pole then obsessing over exercise and nutrition.  I’ve put up a tough girl, don’t-mess-with-me attitude that has caused me to refuse what could be wonderful relationships.  I’m breaking those chains, but only because God revealed himself to me through an amazing group of friends who love me and assure me my worth is not determined by my physical attributes or my accomplishments.  Thank y’all.  So much.  God is so good!

            Eilikrinēs, kalos, and semnotēs mean so much to me because they don’t simply imply truth.  They imply beauty, wholesomeness and respect among other things.  Holy cow.  Sometimes when I talk to God, I think I say, “Well God, I’m feeling this way but I know that’s not right, so don’t worry about it.  I know I’m wrong or I know that’s foolish so I’m sorry.  I’ll get over it.”  I don’t think God wants us to hide those feelings from Him.  We have those emotions for a reason, and who better to vent to than the one who understands us most?  The fact that “beauty” is synonymous with “honesty” in Greek really hits home for me.  There’s something virtuous, something beautiful about someone who will lay out his or her heart for you.  No matter how embarrassed or ashamed we may be when we come before our friends, mentors or God, being honest and sincere washes away that shame and covers us with beauty.  But how?  It’s because of that unfailing love with which we are called to approach each other.  There’s forgiveness in that love. Redemption.  There is true beauty. 

            So maybe today’s blog is more for myself (there I go being selfish again).  Whether you believe or not, I know in my heart of hearts God’s love will never fail any of us.  He will always look past our physical imperfections and see the beauty of our sincere and broken hearts underneath our happy faces.  When we are sincere, we are made pure, when we are honest, we are beautiful and when we approach our lives and our conversations with honesty, we earn respect.  So yes, I wonder when I am finally going to be rid of my insecurities and allow God’s glory to fully take over my life.  I’m working on it.  I wonder how God will work through me to really show others his glory.  I wonder how in the heck I’m going to use my experiences to brighten that light when it at one time was pretty weak.  God doesn’t make us hurt, but he may allow us to experience pain and suffering because it helps us become more unique so we may hone our skills in order to better equip ourselves to His calling.  We have a purpose, and I promise it’s a good one.  I may have never been abused, sexually assaulted, adopted, etc., but someone has and that experience makes them uniquely fit to carry out God’s purpose for them.  Even if you’re a male reading this, you are beautiful.  So much so that God brags about us.  Your heart may be broken, shattered even.  But you, my friend, are beautiful and that is something worth celebrating.   

In Spite of Ourselves

Okay so being at home leaves me with some time on my hands.  Today’s blog really pertains to the women-folk out there but guys, you can back me up on this one. 

Beth Moore had these words for me today: “Many influential women teach the hatred of men almost as a religion.  The mentality that all men are bad is neither accurate not healthy.  Individuals commit crimes—not entire genders.” 

Don’t lie.  You’ve either said it or heard it, “I hate boys.”  At some point or another either ourselves or someone we know and love has been deeply hurt by a man in their life.  This doesn’t mean men are bad! 

Let me be frank.  Certainly, there are some bad people in this world and it’s just a fact of life that at one point we’ll either a) be affected by those people or b) be one of those people.  It will happen.  While being affected by a bad person (who happens to be a man) may be out of our control, when we allow ourselves to become man-haters and convince ourselves we are ruined because of that one experience that becomes our own problem.  That reaction is something we can control. 

Maybe our bad experience with a man is not a singular one.  We keep returning over and over and over to the same bad relationship, the same hook-up, the same violation of our beliefs or standards we have for ourselves.  That can add just as much devastation on our hearts as one awful experience. 

Instead of blaming all guys and pointing fingers at the males, I genuinely want to know how they feel.  To those guys who respect and honor women, how hurtful is it to hear a female say, “I hate guys.  All of them are worthless?”  For me, I think maybe I can compare it to, “Everyone who joins the military is a hate monger,” or, “People who own guns are just scared, insecure, evil people,” or even, “Sorority girls are all slutty airheads.”  Those are hurtful words, but they’re uttered every day! 

Y’all, I’m so far from perfect it’s almost funny.  I just want y’all to know if you’re struggling with your feelings toward men (or women) I’ve been there too.  I allowed myself to be dissatisfied with either the single life or being happy with one person. I’ve had some guys do some rotten things to me and I’ve done some awful things back to guys.  That set the foundation for a really bad attitude toward relationships going into college.  I got to SMU and I’ll admit it, I was one of those girls who said, “There are no decent guys at SMU.  I’ll never find anyone worth dating here.”  Sorry guys, I was so incredibly wrong.  While at SMU, I’ve met so many amazing guys that have so much more on their mind that being in the right fraternity or partying the hardest as often as possible.  Girls aren’t at the forefront of their mind, and that’s surprisingly comforting.  Now I’m the one who doesn’t feel worthy of such an honorable guy!

I may or may not find my soul mate at in college.  Shoot, I may or may not ever even be married (however much I may plan for it).  However, I promise you whatever happens I will not blame on a hatred of men or my experiences with them.  Like Beth said, “Individuals commit crimes—not genders” or in my case, sub-genders classified under Males—SMU.  The longer I let myself live in bitterness, the more I ruin the sweetness I could taste in my life right at this moment.

So to you SMU guys, I’m so sorry.  There are honorable, faithful guys all over that campus and I was wrong to hold so much bitterness toward an entire group of people…didn’t make me much different from those people who hate gun owners.  Here’s some advice: instead of getting defensive when a girl says, “all guys are evil,” show her otherwise.  Respect her. Honor her.  But by all means, still be a man!

To women, I can’t say it enough.  There are so many amazing guys out there, but there are only a few who will ruin all your experiences with men if you allow them to do so.  Respect yourself.  Sometimes the reasons we hate men are because we’ve lost our self-respect.  Males and females may not always understand each other, but that’s one of the things that makes life so comical.  We can laugh and roll our eyes at them when they ask us to pull their finger and be okay when they laugh at us when we cry for no reason.  It’s fun. It’s not sexist.  That’s life, and I’m so blessed to be livin’ it.  I love you so!                   

Bah Humbug

Don’t really know what I’m supposed to talk about today, but I gotta start somewhere...

I guess something that’s been on my mind this holiday season is what Christmas really means to me personally.  Of course we all know what it’s supposed to mean to us, but I’m just gonna lay it out there: I’m definitely guilty of forgetting why we even have a reason to celebrate Christmas. 

I think Christmas means something different for me every year.  For my first Christmas ever, it was about spending most of the time in the hospital with a crazy fever and an ear infection that I’m sure haunted my parents (and my sweet Mammaw) for a while afterward.  For my tenth Christmas, I was at the height of my waking-up-a-seven-so-I-could-unwrap-presents stage.  That year, it was all about Polly Pocket and that Polly Pocket town I just couldn’t live without.  So stinkin’ cool.  I think I also received a play toolbox that year. Multi-talented, obviously.

            When I was sixteen, Christmas was about being the only person over 8 to take part in the narrated Christmas story at church on Christmas Eve.  I don’t think my face returned to its normal color for at least a week.

            My first Christmas back from SMU was about trying to find out where the girl was who left for Dallas in August.  She wasn’t anywhere at the ranch…I looked around the whole break. 

            Each time I’ve come home for Christmas, I get closer to understanding why people always told me the season wasn’t about the presents or the food or the parties.  My family and most importantly, my salvation, have become infinitely more important to me.  I finally understand why entire families forego their Christmas presents and spend that money on the charity of their choice.  Heck, it’s a lot easier than standing in line, listening to the multiple complaints about how miserable Christmas has made someone. 

            Christmas is a double-edged sword.  In one moment, we’re filled with the “Christmas spirit” that causes us to pay for that stranger’s purchase or donate to a charity instead of asking for personal gifts.  The next, we’re shoving people out of our way, kicking and screaming, and cussing at old ladies just to get to the front of the line to buy that perfect gift.  Somethin’ ain’t right!

            Now I understand my family’s weird.  We all get along uncommonly well.  I don’t dread going home because I know I’m going home to open arms and unconditional love: things most people won’t deny and are dying to get for Christmas.  That’s where I think a lot of our obsession with Christmas comes from.  It’s like this season is the only chance we get, once in a year, to buy others’ love.  If we can just get that perfect gift, that number one item on everyone’s list, they will love us and Christmas will be perfect.  That, y’all, is false hope.

            Even if you absolutely hate going home for Christmas because that place is incredibly broken and you leave feeling worse than you did when you arrived, you and I have something in common.  There is one person who can love us more than any amount of people can hurt us.  This verse has become near and dear to my heart over the semester:  “They shall build up the ancient ruins;/they shall raise up the former devastations;/they shall repair the ruined cities,/the devastations of many generations.”  That comes from Isaiah 61:4.  I am so comforted because like most everyone in this world, my heart’s been broken in one way or another.   What this verse means is that even if there are years upon years of devastation, destruction, and unhappiness in your life, God will bind up that hurt.  He doesn’t care how much money you spend on your husband or even how much you’re willing to donate to charity.  He heals. He saves.  And all we have to do is have faith. 

            When you open up those presents, by all means, be grateful! Enjoy!  But remember those rewards are temporary.  Blood, sweat and tears endured obtaining those presents are not worth the time and effort we can put into loving others, especially our families around Christmas.  I can only remember a few really significant toys and gifts I’ve received over the years, but I’ll always remember having my first cup of eggnog at Ghee and Gheegee’s, watching Pappaw put on his Santa hat for the last time and playing Amazing Grace with my daddy while Mammaw and Auntie Gini (surprise surprise) cried their eyes out.  That’s why Christmas isn’t about gifts.  Everyone, no matter how rich or how poor, is loved and we celebrate that love being born once a year.  Heck, with that kind of gift, I feel like I should celebrate all year long!  I love you so much and I hope your holiday is filled with joy!