Let Go My Soul

So tonight I uh, duked it out with God.

I drove to Charleston this weekend, knowing I needed some time to set my soul right.  I ate dinner my first night with total strangers in a random restaurant downtown, and I ended tonight with my hands in the air, crying and singing in a church full of brothers and sisters. It was one of those good cries--men, I know you don't get it--but it was so incredibly necessary.

Through those tears, I was saying, "It is well. It is well. It is well with me."

I've sung those lyrics so many times, but tonight it wasn't so well with me.  "God I don't want to do this. Why did I so blindly choose to go to Japan? I'm happy here. God please don't make me do this."  I surprised myself with my own rebellion.  Where did that come from?

Then I took the Communion bread. "Beloved I did this for you."

Father God, I have doubted your goodness. I've trusted my heart over your Word. 

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."  No wonder Romans 8:28 is my Mammaw's favorite verse.  Tonight, it's a reminder, not just that good things are in store, but that God is good and he is love and he intends good for me, just because I love him.

How can I doubt that Jesus, who went so far as to die so I might "have life and have it abundantly" (John 10:10), would not intend only the very best for me?  The same God who created the universe, who heals the brokenhearted, who sets the captives free, is in my corner.  He's intended so much good for me, so much joy, and so much life, yet I've tried to control and manipulate the outcome to fit how I think it should look.  

So tonight, it might mean Japan, the Middle East, Camp Lejeune, or sitting on the back of a horse in New Mexico.  It might mean friendships, parting of ways, triumphs, and failures.  Tonight it might mean abundance, it might mean poverty, it might mean death, but surely He will always lead to life and I will say it is well. It is well. It is well with me.

   


   

    

All Day, Err-day

    Ever had one of those moments when you know God's right there with you?  You're absolutely overwhelmed by his presence and may be driven to raise your hands, sing, or, dare I say, cry?  You realize the things you've been worried about are already taken care of?  For me, this moment tends to creep up on me during worship at church. When I lived in Dallas, that moment hit me every Sunday at The Village.  I walked into church knowing the Holy Spirit was going to move in me and I left every week wiping the tears from my cheeks.

Lately, though, I've been shaking my fists at God, asking Him why in the heck he's not making me cry during worship.  Why Lord? Why aren't you making me feel like I should fall to my knees and cry my eyes out?  Why am I not crying my makeup off and walking out of church looking like a complete nutcase?  Week after week, I've walked away from worship frustrated God wasn't moving like I thought He should be.

Then, Friday night happened.  I started reading Steven Furtick's Greater and let's just say things the Lord has been trying to show me for a long time came to fruition in a tangible, fall-to-your-knees-and-cry-your-makeup-off kind of way.

How much time had I wasted worrying about why my time in worship wasn't "doing it" for me?  Over the past few months, as I prayed about my struggles, I thought about advice pointing me toward verses like James 1:2 (Count it in all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds). Therefore I thought, "The answer is worship.  I just need to turn on my feel-good music and listen or sing along.  That'll fix everything."  If we're being completely honest, most feel-good Christian music is pretty bad and it doesn't do much for me because, well, it's Pop radio with a greater message.     

 How selfish of it was me to think that worship was for me?  What about all those people who've never felt the Holy Spirit move like that?  Would it have been too much for me to pray for someone else to receive that blessing? I've been so self-centered to use worship as a tool for myself. Gimme, gimme, gimme, Lord!    

As I sat in the floor of my living room, I understood what it means for God to meet us where we are.  I had trapped myself in the tunnel vision of church worship.  I was convinced church was the place where I was closest to the Lord.  However, God has been trying to get it through my thick head that if I'm open-minded enough to realize His work in every aspect of my life, that closeness happens a whole lot more often than once a week for fifteen minutes.  What's even cooler is realizing I can worship Him without music at all.  Worship is setting aside time to dive into the Word.  Worship can be a conversation.  Worship can be a success at work.  Worship can be a moment of vulnerability, face down in your living room floor.

There have been a few moments when I thought my miserable life was so depressing there was no real reason to worship at all.  Luckily, worship isn't about praising God for the hell life can be, but praising Him for already getting us through those times and saving a spot for us in His Kingdom:

'Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably, with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire."
      -Hebrews 12:28-29

Not only is there so much better in store for us, but God's love consumes every aspect of our lives.  He's desires to control every aspect of our lives to shape us for good, not only for others, but for ourselves. If you ask me, that's a reason to worship...even outside the church walls.