Roll

"You should not be this strong."

Little did my jiu-jitsu partner know he helped me slam the door of my last journey and look forward to the next.  One short statement uttered between trying to lock out one of my joints and trying to anticipate my next move made me realize just how much my body, my mind, my spirit is capable of enduring.  That's what Evil says to us when we just. won't. stop: "You shouldn't be this strong."

When we refuse to give into the hate and choose to turn, however feebly, to a God who refuses to leave us, that's what the world can't understand.  Why won't she just break already? "Not on my watch," Jesus says, "Her head won't be crushed and I might take her to the edge, but I won't let her fall." 

"You know, people often pray, 'God, encourage me in you,' but that's not where Scripture points.  The Scripture points to us encouraging ourselves for the Lord." 

What Chaps was trying to tell me is, "Get over it, Pearson," get your mind in The Word, and start taking steps away from your last mistake.  The beauty of it all is the Gospel doesn't mandate prayer with God every morning.  It doesn't mandate hours of worship every weekend. However, the closer we come to the throne of grace, the more we are drawn to our knees with the realization that our God is full of so much more love and so much more strength than we could ever hope to muster on our own.  Our God is not a God of obligation, He's a God of a grace so radical it encourages a life-altering response.    

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?  I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."  It's with Isaiah 43:18-19 that I move forward.  There is value in the lessons learned and there is value in the struggle, but the longer I hold onto my mistakes and dwell on my iniquities, the further I move from recognizing and praising what God is doing right here, right now.

"You should not be this strong."

This strength is not my own.  I am incredibly weak, prone to wander, I don't want to do good.

I am not this strong.  But my God, my God is...and so much more.

Take heart, y'all.  You're covered.   

Talking in Circles

I'm sitting here looking through some notes I took while traveling this weekend, trying to decide how to shape this blog to speak to my little sphere of influence. "Socio-economic differences at SMU," "Philippians 4:13," and "Commercialization of Christmas" are my top three notes.  What a reflection those little notes are of where my mind wanders when I'm afforded the opportunity to just be silent.  I could store up those notes for future blog posts but...

On socio-economic differences at SMU:

• I can't even begin to say I know what it's like to be #blackatSMU, but I might approach the controversy from a different angle.  We need to be mindful of what the roots of social differences are at my alma mater: socio-economic background.
• While I generally felt welcomed by my small group of friends, I never felt like I fit in or was part of the group who "belonged" at SMU, and while I'm thankful for every opportunity I had in Dallas, I'm not so sure I ever really felt proud to attend (there goes all alumni support I might ever need).  It's a complicated issue for me because I think I personally tried to resist the SMU stereotype, while at the same time tried to fit into the culture in some pretty ridiculous ways.  Either way, the conversation's worth having and I'm up for it if you feel so inclined.

On Philippians 4:13

• I have to resist the incredibly obnoxious Facebook rant for this one and just wrap it up in an equally obnoxious blog.  In short, Philippians 4:13 cannot stand on its own unless you understand it in context and light of verse 12: "For in all things, I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound.  In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need."
• In our do-it-yourself, come-from-nothing society, we're fixed on setting our minds to whatever the hell we want to do and refuse to acknowledge God isn't a genie who grants our wishes and helps us achieve our goals if we pray enough, go to church enough, and do enough good things.  Philippians 4:13 is about being joyful, rejoicing in salvation, in light of our own shortcomings, life's failures, and circumstances far out of our control.  

On the commercialization of Christmas:

• Spending Christmas away from home for the first time was tough, but certainly more enjoyable with some faithful friends.  Being away from the icicle light-laden, blow-up snowman clad, Christmas-tree-in-every-room decorations and the glitz, glitter, and cheapness that Christmas has become in the States was incredibly refreshing.
• I can't say I don't love the season of Christmas and the warmth it brings, but we run the risk of forgetting our joy for the sake of a month of constructed happiness.  By being removed from the distractions (and that even includes family), I reflected on what this time of year calls for us to remember, outside of carols, lights, and (let's call it what it is) routine candlelight services.  I'm not sure what the answer is, but I just pray as we enter into the holiday season, we'll first remember the reason, the joy of our salvation, then subsequently decorate and sing in celebration, rather than vice versa.  

Now, tonight my heart rests on my sphere of influence: y'all (you guys, for those east of the Mississippi).  I spent my trip home from Kyoto planning my non-profit, scheming with Ivy and Maggie about how exactly I will change the world.  It's easy to create these elaborate, fantastic, idealistic plans to save an entire population from *insert social injustice here*.  Now, before you read too far ahead, don't think I'm discouraged from or discouraging you from thinking big in plans for service.  I am, however, encouraging you to seek to know yourself, your strengths, and be intimately aware of the people who have crossed your path.  I genuinely believe I can influence, but to what capacity, now that continues to change and grow as I discover what exactly I'm tailored to do. 

Do I plan on backing down from my plans? Absolutely not.  However, I think it'd be foolish of me to blazingly charge into the fight without time spent in prayer, reflection, and analysis of what my sphere of influence will be.  We can't depend on change to happen from the top down.  No one understands your struggle, your family's struggle, your community's struggle, like you do.  Believe in the gifts and talents you bring to the table.  If it's one person or an entire culture, be the influence.  Understand what breaks your heart and affect the change, however small it may be. 

Live for the hope.  Strive for the good.  Love y'all.

Good Dirt

Before I get all philosophical, I'll catch y'all up with where I am.  In the past 6 months, I've experienced all the highs and lows of being a platoon commander.  I have the privilege of caring for and being mentored by some of the funniest, most interesting, most dynamic people I'm sure I'll ever meet.  We've seen the disappointment of alcohol-related incidents and the pride of awards and recognition for outstanding achievement.  I've been to South Korea, Tokyo, and Osaka, and I'm getting ready to head up a detachment going to Darwin, Australia for six months.  Thanks to each of you who has prayed and sent good vibes in my direction! Now, back to your not-so-regularly scheduled blog:

I can't credit myself with these profound words, but they're profound nonetheless:

You aren't the gardener who tends and tills and causes things to grow.  You aren't the reason there is new life and you aren't responsible for affecting the newness of change.  All you have to be is good dirt; be good, fertile soil where the roots have a chance to take hold and bloom.

I probably speak for many of you when I say I've heaped an unbearable weight on my shoulders, and now that I'm smack dab in the middle of a uniquely challenging season of life, that extra weight is especially burdensome.  As I continue to try to work myself out of this ebbed season of life, I make myself more exhausted, become more self-centered, and avert my focus from ensuring I'm good dirt where the Lord can do his work.

Men wiser than me echo everything I have said or will say, but in this time and in this era, we cannot forget that we are not the Gardener.  We are not the Shepherd.  To entrust ourselves with that much power and that much responsibility is unrealistic, exhausting, and disastrous.  What a relief it is to know it's not my responsibility to affect change in the lives around me.  All I have to be is good dirt.

I don't have to work toward salvation, I just have to be good dirt.

I don't have to do my own tilling, pruning, or planting, I just have to be good dirt.

Each slip-up, each triumph, each hard lesson, justifies the grace of the cross.  He came "not to call the righteous, but sinners" (Mark 2:17).  The cross is where the weight of our disobedience and the heaviness of our burden are so gracefully and unselfishly placed upon our Savior's shoulders.  The cross is not for the perfect and certainly not for the righteous. The cross is for the sinner in desperate need of the life-changing grace of Christ's sacrifice.

Friends, whether you're like me and beat yourself up for falling short of the unrealistic expectation of perfection or you're indifferent about sin, our God is not one who relies on you to do his work.  Regardless of the season, regardless of your talents, and regardless of where you find your center, He will complete his work and good will always win.  We are so deeply loved by a Father who is utterly unshakeable.

Never lose heart, y'all.  Just be good dirt.  

May. Day.

In fine form and fashion, I've ended May 2015 in only the most appropriate way possible.  As Ivy and I headed out to try a new cafe, I decided to stop and get some gas.  Having done this in town in the past, I figured it wouldn't be a big deal.  After translating the signs and double checking just to make sure, I started filling up the tank on the car I'm currently driving, which, I might add, is borrowed from another Marine.  Thinking I'd done just fine, I started driving toward what we hoped would be some delicious local food, we got about a mile down the road, the van started driving kind of funny, and we promptly died.  On the side of a hill.  In the middle of a neighborhood.

Long story short, we met some friendly English-speaking Chinese who helped us (and by us I mean Ivy) push the Red Dragon up the hill and off the road, we waited a couple hours for a tow truck, and we made our way back to base crammed in the cab of a tow truck with an über friendly Okinawan.  

If I reflect honestly on this month, I have to say it's been a challenging one.  Move to Japan, broken leg, surgery, convalescent leave, and putting the wrong type of gas in a borrowed car.  Never did I ever think I'd be the one who got off to a rough start.  That kind of stuff doesn't happen to me, remember?  I leave things better than when I started.  How can I possibly have already caused destruction?

Your chariot, m'lady.

So friends, it's easy to see and note the good that's come from this first month on the island, but it's a heck of a lot harder for me to reconcile why this month happened the way it did.  Reminder: it's not my job to ask, "Why," but to question, "How will I handle this? What will I do with this situation? Who can I affect positively in these circumstances?"  As much as we like to say, "Oh, just give it to God.  He'll always take care of you," James 2:26 tells us, "For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead." This pertains not only to big sacrificial acts of faith, but how we choose to react to the small situations in our lives.  How we treat others in the midst of frustration, how we take or deny responsibility, how we decide to choose joy over negativity, will be evidence of our faith.     

This month it became oh, so clear to me that I am human. I am not the one who causes the earth to tremble.  I am not the one who created the universe and I am certainly not at the center of that universe. I will fail, but every time I will rise to a loving God who will push me through the mess and use my shortcomings for good. 

"When anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself." -Galatians 6:3 ESV

"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”—yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” -James 4:13-15 ESV

James 4 also tells us He gives more grace.  More grace than what?  More grace than our biggest mistakes.  More grace than our biggest, ugliest, most disgusting sins. Friends, he gives more grace and it is new every single day.  Whether this week, month, year, decade has been the best or worst of your life, you have a loving Father who hears you, sees your frustration, and walks beside you.     

Wobble, Baby

Suicide Cliff, near Naha

Konnichi wa! I made it to the island, and what a warm welcome it's been. God has marvelously shown his beauty here through the kindest, warmest people I've ever met and incredible scenery surrounding me in every direction.


The food, people, scenes, customs...are all incredible and affirm my choice to come to Oki. It smells, feels, looks, and acts differently than America and it's so cool to see how a different society functions.  As cool as the United States is, I understand the wanderlust mentality and the beauty that is experiencing cultures different from my own.

Not quite the desert flowers from The Land of Enchantment

Now, I didn't at all expect to be handed a uniquely challenging set of cards as soon as I got on island, but last Thursday while playing rugby, I fractured my fibula and perhaps tore a tendon in my lower leg.  I'll have surgery on the leg next Friday to install some plates and screws in the bone and potentially repair that tendon, should it in fact be torn.  Crutches for at least six weeks, shouldn't expect to be out of a boot for twelve.  These past few days have been a mix of all kinds of emotions and conversations, frustrations and speculation, but I'm finally at a place of determination and action.   
I could be totally unrealistic and say I'm not upset at all and I'm sure God has something great coming for me. When Doc told me I might be out 12 weeks, anger and bitterness were probably written all over my face. How could this happen to me? I take such good care of myself. I'm always the one going out of her way to make sure she's physically ready. Why me? Why now? I wanted to grab up my crutches, tell Doc I'd be fine, and get back to work.  I'm indestructible, the bone will heal, and that tendon will just have to be a little bit loose from now on.

Reality quickly set in and I realized I have a challenge ahead of me, and that challenge is no different than any other one I've taken on voluntarily.  It's time to show whether or not I really can handle adversity and make it a good thing.  Do I understand why I broke my fibula? No, of course I don't.  Am I frustrated? Of course I am. However, that does not illicit self-pity or discouragement because, "convinced of [God's ability to use me] I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith." (Philippians 1:25) and "...we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces character, and character produce hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." (Romans 5:3-4).

At the end of the day, we all have jobs to do, both for the world and for our great God.  I have no idea what's next, but I know it is good and there's no reason to hang my head.  Even on crutches, I can and will contribute.  So friends, I think it's time to get my cast signed, block up the clutch on my car, and cut up my upper body, because there's work to be done and I want to be part of it.  I know so many of you may find yourselves in a place of discouragement, but take heart, friends, because we serve a loving God who does not cause us the pain we experience, but wants to graciously bring us out of that hurt and into the goodness of a life lived with Him.  In the meantime, enjoy this guy and enjoy the heck out of your week.

Don't worry guys, I'll be back at it in no time.

    

At the Edge

Well guys, it's finally here.  I'm 12 hours from flying away from American soil for two years.  Anxious? Absolutely.  Scared? Not at all.  I've been at the edge of so many things for so long and it's finally time to step off for something better.

Before Mags and I left NM, I had the chance to say some goodbyes and hug some necks I haven't seen in way too long. I was overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and support from friends, family and neighbors I've known all my life and some acquaintances I met just once.  There's no replacement for my small hometown and I can't imagine being able to do what I do without so many people in my corner.  As an aside, thank you to those who have prayed for, written to, called, texted, and thought about me.  I am so confident in God's work, provision, and intention for me and I can't wait to see the good that comes from it.  There aren't enough words to show my thanks, but I hope each of you know how much you are loved and cherished, and I pray you be bold enough to go where God may call you.

So now, back to finally jumping off that ledge.  For the past year, I've been on the edge of being a fleet Marine.  I've been on the edge of going where God would have me.  I've been on the edge of leaving a comfortable life.  My toes are hanging off the ledge, there's a breeze at my back daring me to jump.  There's no way to know what's beyond the ledge and that is most exciting, because I can look upon this year and know that obedience brings more joy and fulfillment than I can possible try to force for myself.

Throughout the year I have been tempted, I've given in to temptation, things have broken my heart, events have been exceptionally joyful, I've been surrounded by familiar faces, and I've been lost in a sea of people I don't know.  Through all those things, both good and bad, I have found infinite comfort in the grace and love of Christ.  Every single time I fail and try to duck my head in shame, I am reminded that this great grace, this unconditional love, gives me no reason to hang my head and every reason to step out beyond myself.  More often than I'd like to admit, I've questioned where God has me, but over and over He has shown me a life impacted for the better and a joy that is absolutely unshakable.  He has directed my sight outward, relieving me of the weight I try to take on when I focus on myself.

This next step is so incredibly exciting because I go into it expecting God to do good things through me, even in my weakness.  There are so many people waiting to be blessed by a love bigger than we can comprehend and my hope is that we will be bold enough to pursue that love and those relationships, whether they're on the other side of the planet or in our own hometowns.  Whatever ledge it is you're scared to jump off of, will you just step out already?  Y'all, the blessings waiting for you are so good, it kills me to thing you might miss them.  Go boldly, go in peace, and I'll see you back stateside real soon!

      

Let Go My Soul

So tonight I uh, duked it out with God.

I drove to Charleston this weekend, knowing I needed some time to set my soul right.  I ate dinner my first night with total strangers in a random restaurant downtown, and I ended tonight with my hands in the air, crying and singing in a church full of brothers and sisters. It was one of those good cries--men, I know you don't get it--but it was so incredibly necessary.

Through those tears, I was saying, "It is well. It is well. It is well with me."

I've sung those lyrics so many times, but tonight it wasn't so well with me.  "God I don't want to do this. Why did I so blindly choose to go to Japan? I'm happy here. God please don't make me do this."  I surprised myself with my own rebellion.  Where did that come from?

Then I took the Communion bread. "Beloved I did this for you."

Father God, I have doubted your goodness. I've trusted my heart over your Word. 

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."  No wonder Romans 8:28 is my Mammaw's favorite verse.  Tonight, it's a reminder, not just that good things are in store, but that God is good and he is love and he intends good for me, just because I love him.

How can I doubt that Jesus, who went so far as to die so I might "have life and have it abundantly" (John 10:10), would not intend only the very best for me?  The same God who created the universe, who heals the brokenhearted, who sets the captives free, is in my corner.  He's intended so much good for me, so much joy, and so much life, yet I've tried to control and manipulate the outcome to fit how I think it should look.  

So tonight, it might mean Japan, the Middle East, Camp Lejeune, or sitting on the back of a horse in New Mexico.  It might mean friendships, parting of ways, triumphs, and failures.  Tonight it might mean abundance, it might mean poverty, it might mean death, but surely He will always lead to life and I will say it is well. It is well. It is well with me.