So I've been told college is about "finding yourself." I never understood that phrase because I never thought I was lost to begin with. Well y'all, apparently I've been hiding. Put on your boots because it's about to get deep.
If you know me, it probably doesn't come as a surprise that, "I can do it," was the first phrase I ever uttered. I've always been independent and damn proud of it. Therein lies the trouble: pride. Sure, I'm independent and strong-spirited, which helps me reach a lot of the goals I set for myself. But as my incredibly wise mother told me today, pride is something the Enemy has grabbed hold of and sworn to use against me.
I don't ask for help. I can do it!
I won't ask you to help me talk it out. I can do it!
But the truth is, I can't do it. Not alone. The fact that I just admitted that kinda scares me. To think I'm not capable of doing things on my own suggests vulnerability. Woah. Wait up. I'm not vulnerable. Uh uh.
Mom and I laughed today about how different Maggie and I are. She has this big, huge, incredibly loving heart that she wears it on her sleeve for anyone and everyone to trample on. Time and time again, she's been hurt, yet she continues to put herself out there to love and to be loved. It's absolutely amazing how resilient she is.
You're lucky if you can get a serious conversation out of me. In my opinion, no one needs to know and no one probably cares. End of story. Emotions? What're those things? It's poisonous. I tend to be so internal that I get wrapped up in what I'm doing and what kind of control I have over my own life. Outwardly, that makes me incredibly inconsiderate and self-indulgent. Oh hey there, Satan. Looks like you've been trying to make your way into my life.
Even if my time is spent doing great things and trying to better myself, when that takes up so much energy that it deters my attention away from those so close to me, we've got a problem. It's funny because this theme is so well reflected in my blogs. All my posts are about what I'M feeling...what I'M dealing with...how that bigger-than-me situation affects MY life. Ain't nobody got time for that!
So...here's goes the honesty.
Being so internal is exhausting and it leaves me with nothing but this incredibly lonely feeling. Mom put it so well, "Jennie you've got so much to offer, but you've got to learn how to let people in as friends before you can ever expect anything else from anyone."
Seriously. It seems so stupid and so girly to spill my guts to someone else, but I guess we need that every now and then. I'm just going to apologize ahead of time to any of The Family who gets to be the receiving end of this new project. It's gonna be like watching a baby deer learn how to walk, but we're gonna do it. Here we go.
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