Hold Your Head High

            So some words have been on my mind today: Honesty and sincerity.  Particularly, I’ve thought about these words and how they pertain to my relationship with God as well as with others.  Even if you don’t believe the same things I do, this applies to you, I promise. 

            There are a few Greek words I’d like to surface and define for you so just stick with me while I get through the dry stuff.  “Sincere” in Greek is “eilikrinēs,” which Strong’s defines as “pure, wholesome.”  Honest and honesty have different references, “kalos” and “semnotēs,” respectively.  Kalos means “good, right; beautiful, fine, excellent” and semnotēs is defined as “holiness, seriousness, respect.”  I am always amazed at the gravity with which Greek and Hebrew words carry.  So much so that it takes multiple emotional English words to define them!

            Let’s go back to how these Greek definitions actually apply to us.  Fairly often, I think I come across as being peachy, having all my ducks in a row.  I have to let you know where I am so you understand why these words have an impact on me.  I think I’ve spent a whole lot of time trying to act and become an ideal.  I’ve battled physical insecurities for a long time and it’s taken my stubborn self years to allow God to take control.  I’ve covered up those insecurities by reducing myself to a bean pole then obsessing over exercise and nutrition.  I’ve put up a tough girl, don’t-mess-with-me attitude that has caused me to refuse what could be wonderful relationships.  I’m breaking those chains, but only because God revealed himself to me through an amazing group of friends who love me and assure me my worth is not determined by my physical attributes or my accomplishments.  Thank y’all.  So much.  God is so good!

            Eilikrinēs, kalos, and semnotēs mean so much to me because they don’t simply imply truth.  They imply beauty, wholesomeness and respect among other things.  Holy cow.  Sometimes when I talk to God, I think I say, “Well God, I’m feeling this way but I know that’s not right, so don’t worry about it.  I know I’m wrong or I know that’s foolish so I’m sorry.  I’ll get over it.”  I don’t think God wants us to hide those feelings from Him.  We have those emotions for a reason, and who better to vent to than the one who understands us most?  The fact that “beauty” is synonymous with “honesty” in Greek really hits home for me.  There’s something virtuous, something beautiful about someone who will lay out his or her heart for you.  No matter how embarrassed or ashamed we may be when we come before our friends, mentors or God, being honest and sincere washes away that shame and covers us with beauty.  But how?  It’s because of that unfailing love with which we are called to approach each other.  There’s forgiveness in that love. Redemption.  There is true beauty. 

            So maybe today’s blog is more for myself (there I go being selfish again).  Whether you believe or not, I know in my heart of hearts God’s love will never fail any of us.  He will always look past our physical imperfections and see the beauty of our sincere and broken hearts underneath our happy faces.  When we are sincere, we are made pure, when we are honest, we are beautiful and when we approach our lives and our conversations with honesty, we earn respect.  So yes, I wonder when I am finally going to be rid of my insecurities and allow God’s glory to fully take over my life.  I’m working on it.  I wonder how God will work through me to really show others his glory.  I wonder how in the heck I’m going to use my experiences to brighten that light when it at one time was pretty weak.  God doesn’t make us hurt, but he may allow us to experience pain and suffering because it helps us become more unique so we may hone our skills in order to better equip ourselves to His calling.  We have a purpose, and I promise it’s a good one.  I may have never been abused, sexually assaulted, adopted, etc., but someone has and that experience makes them uniquely fit to carry out God’s purpose for them.  Even if you’re a male reading this, you are beautiful.  So much so that God brags about us.  Your heart may be broken, shattered even.  But you, my friend, are beautiful and that is something worth celebrating.   

In Spite of Ourselves

Okay so being at home leaves me with some time on my hands.  Today’s blog really pertains to the women-folk out there but guys, you can back me up on this one. 

Beth Moore had these words for me today: “Many influential women teach the hatred of men almost as a religion.  The mentality that all men are bad is neither accurate not healthy.  Individuals commit crimes—not entire genders.” 

Don’t lie.  You’ve either said it or heard it, “I hate boys.”  At some point or another either ourselves or someone we know and love has been deeply hurt by a man in their life.  This doesn’t mean men are bad! 

Let me be frank.  Certainly, there are some bad people in this world and it’s just a fact of life that at one point we’ll either a) be affected by those people or b) be one of those people.  It will happen.  While being affected by a bad person (who happens to be a man) may be out of our control, when we allow ourselves to become man-haters and convince ourselves we are ruined because of that one experience that becomes our own problem.  That reaction is something we can control. 

Maybe our bad experience with a man is not a singular one.  We keep returning over and over and over to the same bad relationship, the same hook-up, the same violation of our beliefs or standards we have for ourselves.  That can add just as much devastation on our hearts as one awful experience. 

Instead of blaming all guys and pointing fingers at the males, I genuinely want to know how they feel.  To those guys who respect and honor women, how hurtful is it to hear a female say, “I hate guys.  All of them are worthless?”  For me, I think maybe I can compare it to, “Everyone who joins the military is a hate monger,” or, “People who own guns are just scared, insecure, evil people,” or even, “Sorority girls are all slutty airheads.”  Those are hurtful words, but they’re uttered every day! 

Y’all, I’m so far from perfect it’s almost funny.  I just want y’all to know if you’re struggling with your feelings toward men (or women) I’ve been there too.  I allowed myself to be dissatisfied with either the single life or being happy with one person. I’ve had some guys do some rotten things to me and I’ve done some awful things back to guys.  That set the foundation for a really bad attitude toward relationships going into college.  I got to SMU and I’ll admit it, I was one of those girls who said, “There are no decent guys at SMU.  I’ll never find anyone worth dating here.”  Sorry guys, I was so incredibly wrong.  While at SMU, I’ve met so many amazing guys that have so much more on their mind that being in the right fraternity or partying the hardest as often as possible.  Girls aren’t at the forefront of their mind, and that’s surprisingly comforting.  Now I’m the one who doesn’t feel worthy of such an honorable guy!

I may or may not find my soul mate at in college.  Shoot, I may or may not ever even be married (however much I may plan for it).  However, I promise you whatever happens I will not blame on a hatred of men or my experiences with them.  Like Beth said, “Individuals commit crimes—not genders” or in my case, sub-genders classified under Males—SMU.  The longer I let myself live in bitterness, the more I ruin the sweetness I could taste in my life right at this moment.

So to you SMU guys, I’m so sorry.  There are honorable, faithful guys all over that campus and I was wrong to hold so much bitterness toward an entire group of people…didn’t make me much different from those people who hate gun owners.  Here’s some advice: instead of getting defensive when a girl says, “all guys are evil,” show her otherwise.  Respect her. Honor her.  But by all means, still be a man!

To women, I can’t say it enough.  There are so many amazing guys out there, but there are only a few who will ruin all your experiences with men if you allow them to do so.  Respect yourself.  Sometimes the reasons we hate men are because we’ve lost our self-respect.  Males and females may not always understand each other, but that’s one of the things that makes life so comical.  We can laugh and roll our eyes at them when they ask us to pull their finger and be okay when they laugh at us when we cry for no reason.  It’s fun. It’s not sexist.  That’s life, and I’m so blessed to be livin’ it.  I love you so!                   

Bah Humbug

Don’t really know what I’m supposed to talk about today, but I gotta start somewhere...

I guess something that’s been on my mind this holiday season is what Christmas really means to me personally.  Of course we all know what it’s supposed to mean to us, but I’m just gonna lay it out there: I’m definitely guilty of forgetting why we even have a reason to celebrate Christmas. 

I think Christmas means something different for me every year.  For my first Christmas ever, it was about spending most of the time in the hospital with a crazy fever and an ear infection that I’m sure haunted my parents (and my sweet Mammaw) for a while afterward.  For my tenth Christmas, I was at the height of my waking-up-a-seven-so-I-could-unwrap-presents stage.  That year, it was all about Polly Pocket and that Polly Pocket town I just couldn’t live without.  So stinkin’ cool.  I think I also received a play toolbox that year. Multi-talented, obviously.

            When I was sixteen, Christmas was about being the only person over 8 to take part in the narrated Christmas story at church on Christmas Eve.  I don’t think my face returned to its normal color for at least a week.

            My first Christmas back from SMU was about trying to find out where the girl was who left for Dallas in August.  She wasn’t anywhere at the ranch…I looked around the whole break. 

            Each time I’ve come home for Christmas, I get closer to understanding why people always told me the season wasn’t about the presents or the food or the parties.  My family and most importantly, my salvation, have become infinitely more important to me.  I finally understand why entire families forego their Christmas presents and spend that money on the charity of their choice.  Heck, it’s a lot easier than standing in line, listening to the multiple complaints about how miserable Christmas has made someone. 

            Christmas is a double-edged sword.  In one moment, we’re filled with the “Christmas spirit” that causes us to pay for that stranger’s purchase or donate to a charity instead of asking for personal gifts.  The next, we’re shoving people out of our way, kicking and screaming, and cussing at old ladies just to get to the front of the line to buy that perfect gift.  Somethin’ ain’t right!

            Now I understand my family’s weird.  We all get along uncommonly well.  I don’t dread going home because I know I’m going home to open arms and unconditional love: things most people won’t deny and are dying to get for Christmas.  That’s where I think a lot of our obsession with Christmas comes from.  It’s like this season is the only chance we get, once in a year, to buy others’ love.  If we can just get that perfect gift, that number one item on everyone’s list, they will love us and Christmas will be perfect.  That, y’all, is false hope.

            Even if you absolutely hate going home for Christmas because that place is incredibly broken and you leave feeling worse than you did when you arrived, you and I have something in common.  There is one person who can love us more than any amount of people can hurt us.  This verse has become near and dear to my heart over the semester:  “They shall build up the ancient ruins;/they shall raise up the former devastations;/they shall repair the ruined cities,/the devastations of many generations.”  That comes from Isaiah 61:4.  I am so comforted because like most everyone in this world, my heart’s been broken in one way or another.   What this verse means is that even if there are years upon years of devastation, destruction, and unhappiness in your life, God will bind up that hurt.  He doesn’t care how much money you spend on your husband or even how much you’re willing to donate to charity.  He heals. He saves.  And all we have to do is have faith. 

            When you open up those presents, by all means, be grateful! Enjoy!  But remember those rewards are temporary.  Blood, sweat and tears endured obtaining those presents are not worth the time and effort we can put into loving others, especially our families around Christmas.  I can only remember a few really significant toys and gifts I’ve received over the years, but I’ll always remember having my first cup of eggnog at Ghee and Gheegee’s, watching Pappaw put on his Santa hat for the last time and playing Amazing Grace with my daddy while Mammaw and Auntie Gini (surprise surprise) cried their eyes out.  That’s why Christmas isn’t about gifts.  Everyone, no matter how rich or how poor, is loved and we celebrate that love being born once a year.  Heck, with that kind of gift, I feel like I should celebrate all year long!  I love you so much and I hope your holiday is filled with joy! 

L is for...

I said something out loud today that made me realize I finally believe: “I am peace with where I am.”  That’s a pretty loaded statement.  The subject of conversation before that comment was dating and relationships, so here’s what I meant:

            Lately, a few of my friends and people close to me have just been in a lot of distress about boys and relationships in general.  It’s so weird to look at people around you who aren’t that much older and they’re getting engaged (or having their second child).  Weird.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just so far from that it’s funny to even think about!  Then there are those friends *coughKenziecough* who’ve been in a happy relationship for almost their entire college career.  Then, of course, there are the friends who haven’t had a boyfriend for years but have had a lot of fun just being a college kid. 

            So where do I find myself amidst the relationships, break-ups, and dates?  I try not to categorize myself and I think that’s why I’m not so distressed as I used to be.  There’s no rush for me to do anything with any person and there’s no deadline to meet.  Galatians 6:9 says, “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.”  That’s all we can do, y’all!  Instead of waking up every morning and wishing my life was somewhere else or looked more like hers or was filled with the success of his, blah blah blah, I can focus on what I can do to glorify God.  I can focus on loving and doing and just being Jennie.  Why would I want to experience someone else’s life when God has a specific plan for me, tailored to my every weird personality trait and goofy talent?         

            Pretty cool, right?  God’s plan is so right and so perfect, to try to control it doesn’t make sense.  But with my stubborn, controlling self, sitting back and being at peace with what the Lord is doing with and for me is really, really hard and I tend to fail…a lot.   

            Here’s what I can do. I can still stay up late and talk about an amazing first date or help comfort the girlfriend whose heart’s been broken.  I can hug and be so happy for the girl who just got engaged and I can help my best friend’s boyfriend make her birthday the best ever.  That can be a real, genuine, happiness and love for what’s going on around me.  I don’t have to be bitter and wish I had that sweet companion to stay up late and talk about.  There will be time for that. This is in my room!

            Oh don’t worry, that doesn’t mean I can’t have crushes, either!  It’s so funny how God can just place so much joy in your life just for fun.  Sometimes on those late nights Kenz and I just look back and laugh.  Dang we’re goofy.  

            So in the end, no love can possibly compare to the love Christ showed for us by giving his very life to save us from death.  That’s incredible.  You might know this one: “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friend”—John 15:13.  So until that genuine love comes around, I’m going to be at peace.  There are so many blessings surrounding us every day, to ignore them because your heart feels empty is so so sad.  We’re all struggling with something whether it be relationships, addictions, gossip…the list goes on and on.  God’s love, grace and mercy can fill any empty hole, no matter how deep and dark. Wow.  Lord, you are too too good to us.  Help me live in your peace!